I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
