I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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