I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
