she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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