well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
