I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
