She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
