I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
