: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
