I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
