ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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