he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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