Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
