I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I look better un-naked...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
