There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
