yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
this boner is exhausting
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
