Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
