That's intense
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
