you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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