I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
