I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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