her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
