No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you would pick up someone in the library
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
