He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
