I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
