this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
