Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
