He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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