Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
