I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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