there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
