...so i touched it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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