if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
