There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
