Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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