where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
