It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
