Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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