Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
COCAINE IS GR8
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
