I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
