You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
