Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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