why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
