the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
