if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
