watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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