I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
