I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
