his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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