but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
