Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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